a treatise based on the principles of Zhen Yi
Orgasm is arguably the most primal joy that a human can experience. And yet… sometimes it makes us cry. In this article we examine the contradictory phenomena of Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD) in its most visible form – crying.
CONTENTS:
Introduction to Psychogenic Lacrimation During Orgasm and in PCD
Can these be tears of joy?
The Role of Guilt and Taboo
Actual Guilt
Gray Areas
False Guilt
Accused by Culture
Accused by Partner
Accused by Self
Associative Lacrimation
Habitual Lacrimation (pavlov’s response)
Dealing with my Tears
INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOGENIC LACRIMATION DURING ORGASM AND IN PCD
In the first century the Greek physician Galen of Pergamom wrote that “every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster.” But his observations in the animal realm do not universally apply to humans. A Sephardi philosopher in the 17th century, Baruch de Espinoza, generalized, “after the enjoyment of sensual pleasure is past, the greatest sadness follows. If this does not completely engross, still it thoroughly confuses and dulls the mind.”But how common is this sadness? Are we truly the roosters of Galen? Or are we all subject to “Post-Sex Blues”? A recent study by Dr. Rober Schweitzer and a team of researchers was published in the journal “Sexual Medicine” in October of 2015, which gives us an alarming answer.
“forty-six percent of respondents reported experiencing PCD symptoms at least once in their lifetime with 5.1% experiencing PCD symptoms a few times within the past 4 weeks”
” Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Psychological Correlates (R. Schweitzer)
A similar study was conducted in 2013 with one third of the respondents having experienced Post Coital Dysteria, and 10% suffering regularly from it.
In this article, however, we focus more specifically on crying in orgasm and after sex. Although some researchers claim it to be a merely physiological (cricopharyngeal reflex due to stimulation of the vagus nerve by uterine contractions in orgasm), but everyone who has fought with PCD knows – the flood of emotions that accompany crying in or after orgasm is vastly different then the mere biological reaction of slicing onions. The cause is clearly psychogenic.
And although there is no conclusive study that focuses on male respondents, if you are one of the guys who suffers from this… then you know the truth… it also affects men. Do not let science turn a blind eye to your suffering.
As with all psychogenic issues, if you find it dominating the social intercourse with your beloved, or inhibiting you from social interaction, then don’t hesitate to see a psychologist. I can say from first-hand experience that it will be encouraging. But that is more of a disclaimer than it is real advice.
In this article I intend to give you real knowledge of what is going on and real advice on how to move forward, so let’s study this together and find the path to intimacy in and through our tears. (Yes ‘our’! For I too am part of the “statistic”).
CAN THESE BE TEARS OF JOY?
In this section I do not mean to belittle your confusion and pain, my dear flower. If you recognize clearly that there are negative emotional aspects to your tears, then please read on in the other sections about the causes and solutions to those emotions, but I need to point out that such tears almost always have at least an element of joy – both in “crygasm” and in post-coital lacrimation. [Note: the topic of crygasm has started to receive more attention with a pornography site called crygasm.org]Perhaps it would be more appropriate in a didactic sense to first discuss the foundational issues of guilt, pain and habituation before discussing the ‘tears of joy’ but whatever the underlying issue – your goal is never to eliminate any form of happiness – even in a visibly conflicting form. So let’s look at the two types of “happy tears”.
The first is reflex based. The fact is that there are girls out there who find that the physiological triggers engaged during orgasm also trigger crying. As mentioned earlier, this is a cricopharyngeal reflex due to stimulation of the vagus nerve by uterine contractions in orgasm. Or in layman’s terms a ‘lump in the throat’ due to physical reasons and not psychological ones. It is not clearly known if men can experience this but let’s not close the book of science on an unstudied subject.
If you may notice reflex based lacrimation by the “tearing up” that comes prior to any kind of conflicting emotions that appear in conjunction with it. What should you do about this?
The first solution is TALK! Discuss it with your partner and ENJOY the tears! They are a natural part of your orgasmic physiology.
The second option is medicinal. If you find that the “lump in the throat” is too difficult to endure, then you may consult with a doctor about it. There are drugs (specifically benzodiazepines, such as Valium or Antivan) that maybe reduce cricopharyngeal spasms but beware, because these drugs tend to be habit forming. A better solution is to drink warm fluids. Have a nice up of hot tea herbal tea ready, and as you start to get excited, take a few sips!
The third solution is to reduce the “stress” of orgasm. This is a complex task, of course, because orgasm is inherently a physiologically stressful event. But better heath training, and exercise will allow you to endure orgasm with less strain on your body. And building a more trusting relationship with sexual partners will ease the emotional stress of orgasm.
So, let’s move on to the second cause of “happy tears” – the psychogenic lacrimation. The simple fact is that orgasm is wonderful! In fact, it is “shockingly amazing” and this shock, in an of itself, can bring tears of joy. But even in the case where psychogenic lacrimation is associated with negative emotions (discussed in the other sections), recognize the beneficial role of “happy tears”.
We all know the phenomenon of crying at the happy moment in a movie, or at seeing our children win an award. No matter what the cause, do no hold back the flood. Let it flow.
An undesirable result of psychogenic lacrimation, however, (sometimes absent in the purely cricopharyngeal reflex) is snot! Ohh how I have battled against my snot!!! I was more worried about accidentally getting snot on my partner than I was about finding the real issue causing my emotional outburst. And that worry only compounded the issue.
The answer… TALK + TISSUE! If your partner is aware, then let him or her also help. Both of you have the right to grab that tissue. Both of you have the right to laugh about it! It is nothing more than a runny nose. It is part of life! The love that we have for our children allows us to wipe up A LOT MORE THAN SNOT! So, let the love wipe this runny nose as well.
THE ROLE OF GUILT AND TABOO
Now we come to the negative elements of psychogenic lacrimation. For many people, the cultural values that they carry produce a feeling of guilt about sexual pleasure. This is especially true in certain Asian cultures (like Korea) and in religious contexts where sexual pleasure is seen as ‘sinful’.The result is a psychological conflict. This is heightened by the fact that a significant part of “orgasm” is involuntary. Most people experience a “tipping point” in arousal where the “logical mind” is no longer able to apply reason to the situation.
At first, you may say to yourself (or even to your partner) things like, “Ok, let’s cuddle, but I don’t want to have sex now” or “Let’s try to keep it under control, I don’t want anybody to hear our making out”. In fact, you may have expressed an explicit request to NOT have sex, and just to “talk” or maybe sit together… and then… you start to feel your blood go faster… your breathing becomes erratic… and before you know it you are screaming out “FUCK ME!!!!” and wildly bucking your hips toward your lover and ripping off whatever remaining clothing you or your partner have on. (OK… so you got a preview of what happens with me there…)
You did NOT intend to have orgasm because your “logical” mind was setting limits. But now you have committed the crime! But let’s look through the glasses of science at this crime scene.
Case Number One – the Truly Guilty Criminal.
There are valid reasons why guilt may cast a shadow on your sexual activity. The passions of uncontrollable sexual desire should not put you at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. If you have not learned about such then search for "STD". Nor should they cause pregnancy when we don’t want that. Nor should they jeopardize your employment. Nor should they get you expelled form a seminary or church that you truly wish to remain part of (although we discuss this further in “case number two”).
How then can we actually prevent “breaking the law”? Certainly, being prepared with preservatives (condom’s) is a part of this. But the underlying issue here is the VALIDITY of taboo and sexual repression. (Wow… that was a VERY difficult thing for me to write… calm down, Mint… calm your heart... and accept the truth…) sexual repression, to some degree is valid. A 1999 study of changing attitudes about sexuality in China documented the increase in HIV in direct correlation to a new openness about premarital sex.
How then can we actually prevent “breaking the law”? Certainly, being prepared with preservatives (condom’s) is a part of this. But the underlying issue here is the VALIDITY of taboo and sexual repression. (Wow… that was a VERY difficult thing for me to write… calm down, Mint… calm your heart... and accept the truth…) sexual repression, to some degree is valid. A 1999 study of changing attitudes about sexuality in China documented the increase in HIV in direct correlation to a new openness about premarital sex.
Case Number Two – The Gray Zone.
OK, so let’s assume that your sexual experience is not putting you at risk of STD, unwanted pregnancy or losing your job or membership in social or religions organization. Can a sense of taboo still cause conflicting emotions? The answer is clearly yes.
If sex is relatively new to you then perhaps your philosophical or religious constructs are unable to bear the weight of this new burden. I would propose that instead of making a drastic religious change, that you discuss the “philosophy” of sex with your partner as well as with mentors or teachers.
The solution that we need to seek in this “gray zone” is to clearly define what we believe, and to set reasonable limits for ourselves. What are your views on premarital sex? How far can you go? Is it really immoral, in your ethno-religious context to experience an orgasm? Would mutual masturbation be appropriate? What about those years of “dry humping” the pillow?
The fact is that many conflicting emotions come from things that are not truly against our convictions, but just “new”. So it is wise to ‘ease into’ what is allowed by our convictions. Consider, instead of full sex, dry humping. This means to agree with your partner to help each other reach orgasm without taking clothing off. In fact, the more modest forms of sexual expression can be more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as full vaginal penetration.
Before moving on to the third aspect of Guilt and Taboo, it is important to note that the counselor (be it sexual counselor, this article or self-counseling) should be neutral in philosophical and religious views. Sexuality is like the bud of a flower; it cannot be opened from external force. If any philosophical changes need to happen, they must happen from within. The dangers in this are twofold. Firstly, to criticize the pre-existing philosophy that created the “taboo” may only add another layer of conflicting emotions and this, of course will only deepen the problem. But on the other hand, if the counselor praises or justifies the pre-existing “taboos” it be interpreted by the “shy soul” as further evidence that they should remain in the chains from which they are so eager to escape.
If sex is relatively new to you then perhaps your philosophical or religious constructs are unable to bear the weight of this new burden. I would propose that instead of making a drastic religious change, that you discuss the “philosophy” of sex with your partner as well as with mentors or teachers.
The solution that we need to seek in this “gray zone” is to clearly define what we believe, and to set reasonable limits for ourselves. What are your views on premarital sex? How far can you go? Is it really immoral, in your ethno-religious context to experience an orgasm? Would mutual masturbation be appropriate? What about those years of “dry humping” the pillow?
The fact is that many conflicting emotions come from things that are not truly against our convictions, but just “new”. So it is wise to ‘ease into’ what is allowed by our convictions. Consider, instead of full sex, dry humping. This means to agree with your partner to help each other reach orgasm without taking clothing off. In fact, the more modest forms of sexual expression can be more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as full vaginal penetration.
Before moving on to the third aspect of Guilt and Taboo, it is important to note that the counselor (be it sexual counselor, this article or self-counseling) should be neutral in philosophical and religious views. Sexuality is like the bud of a flower; it cannot be opened from external force. If any philosophical changes need to happen, they must happen from within. The dangers in this are twofold. Firstly, to criticize the pre-existing philosophy that created the “taboo” may only add another layer of conflicting emotions and this, of course will only deepen the problem. But on the other hand, if the counselor praises or justifies the pre-existing “taboos” it be interpreted by the “shy soul” as further evidence that they should remain in the chains from which they are so eager to escape.
Case Number Three – The Innocently Accused.
This area is perhaps the most complex of the guilt-related reasons for conflicting emotions that produce post-coital dysteria or “crygasm”. There are times the “shy soul” suffers unjustly from feelings of guilt. These can be so overwhelming that they can cause a sudden burst of uncontrollable weeping.
It is important to note that sometimes we recognize the feeling as “guilt” from having broken a taboo, but at other times we just burst into tears without a conscious feeling of having done something wrong. It is not uncommon for the joy of orgasm to overshadow all other “conscious” feelings.
So what happens when the “shy soul” cries out, “I am innocent”? Let’s first separate out the three possible “accusers”. The first is the “culture” (or external philosophical pressures). The second is the partner. This is most obviously visible in BDSM scenarios or in cases of abuse where a woman would be openly called a “slut” or “whore”. The third “accuser” is oneself (typically the cruelest of the three).
The First Accuser – Culture.
It is important to note that sometimes we recognize the feeling as “guilt” from having broken a taboo, but at other times we just burst into tears without a conscious feeling of having done something wrong. It is not uncommon for the joy of orgasm to overshadow all other “conscious” feelings.
So what happens when the “shy soul” cries out, “I am innocent”? Let’s first separate out the three possible “accusers”. The first is the “culture” (or external philosophical pressures). The second is the partner. This is most obviously visible in BDSM scenarios or in cases of abuse where a woman would be openly called a “slut” or “whore”. The third “accuser” is oneself (typically the cruelest of the three).
The First Accuser – Culture.
Let me just blurt this out… (sorry in advance for being rude and disrespectful). I am Korean.. I hate Korea. I grew up under academic pressure that left no time for any kind of enjoyment, and in addition to that I felt as though it was a grave sin to touch my own genitals in a sexual way or to open my heart to any kind of sexual enjoyment. I can’t blame a particular person for teaching me this, it’s just lodged deep in the cultural ethic that I “hear” accusing me.
We will speak more about that internal voice (the “Third Accuser”) later, but for now we must isolate and clarify to what extent the external culture is actually or actively uttering forth anathema against the accused perpetrator who is claiming that they did a good thing.
In most cases, the wider culture provides a scope of approved activity that grants sufficient freedom of sexual expression. For example, although Korea is generally a high taboo culture, there is a “hip-hop” sub-culture that embraces sexual expression and can provide a discussion point for helping a “shy soul” to hear a different cultural voice. It may be helpful to view blogs, social network posts and social media to see where culture is going, and to redefine the “traditional” voices.
But the narrower cultural contexts, of “a strict parent” or membership in a hyper-conservative religious institution are sensitive issues that should be defined and discussed openly between the counselor and the “shy soul”. Perhaps one of the most helpful things is to encourage the “shy soul” to make a list of specific instances of explicit criticism lodged against “the defendant”. It is typically seen that the voice of culture tends to be overinflated in our mind, and the “balloon” of cultural anathema can be significantly deflated by letting some of our own personal “hot air” out of it.
If a person is still living in a home where undue anathema is being lodged, or attending a religious entity where the “defendant” feels that undue expectations of chastity are felt, then the most sensible thing to do if first work on an “escape” to a freer environment. In the mean time we can only expect these unhealthy “tears of conflict” to continue.
Sexual partners should be aware of this and remove any expectations of “taboo breaking” until such a freedom is gained.
In the meantime, one might revert to “safer” sexual activity, such as cuddling and dancing, or as mentioned above “dry hump” or mutual masturbation.
In short, the actual freedom from active and condemning taboo should precede excessive breaking of such taboos. And if things occasionally go too far, the “sin” should be covered by a great deal of compassion, apology, hugging and hope that someday freedom will come.
The Second Accuser – The Sexual Partner
It is certainly not the purpose of this article to probe the complexities of BDSM or to impose an ethical “chain” on those who have intentionally chose to participate in such activities. But in cases where Post-Coital Dysteria occurs in context of intentional “guilt” (albeit ‘playing’) or actual submission (again, even in ‘playing’) is it advisable to consult a psychologist for a more reliable assessment of the emotional damage that is caused.
The healthiest advice that can be given, however, is for the sexual partner to go to great extents to avoid any accusation or humiliation or adding to the sense of shame or guilt, where there are visible signs of psychogenic lacrimation in orgasm or Post-Coital Dysteria.
It should be noted, however, that people suffering from the trauma of taboo, are sexually vulnerable, and may have willingly fallen into relationships with “bad” people who only increase the sense of guilt by “dominating” or pushing the “shy soul” into sexual activities that are emotionally disturbing.
Also, as mentioned previously there may be unintended “accusations” felt when a counselor, seeks to ease the situation by saying “Your culture is good, there are good things in all cultures.” Such comments may be subconsciously or quietly interpreted as placing all the blame solely on the suffering “shy soul”.
Yet another area of guilt can be inadvertently come from the sexual partner of the shy soul. This is a secondary sense of guilt that the shy person feels when having intimacy with a more experienced partner. In man this is frequently labeled premature ejaculation. But women also experience it. It happens in the following way. When the heart is “conflicted” the shy soul will frequently pretend to not want sex, or they will subconsciously hold off feelings of ecstasy as long as possible. Then, in a sudden burst of sexual expression, they will awkwardly and quickly reach orgasm, leaving the partner behind. Subsequently they feel guilty that the partner was not led to orgasm.
A responsible and helpful partner will never allow this “dangling” sense of guilt to exist. It must be quenched right away. If the shy says, “ohh I am so sorry I so quickly had orgasm and you did not” the response should be, “Honey.. that was the most sexy thing I ever saw!” One should always minimize the necessity or expectation of orgasm or of any “achievement” in sex.
The Third Accuser – Oneself
We must recognize that “culture” is not a purely external force. The bees in the hive do their assigned work from both internal and external motivations. Introducing an artificial distinction between “that bad cultural taboo” and “my own opinions and desires” will only increase psychological conflict. So, the most helpful approach is to encourage the “shy soul” to confirm explicitly their conscientious departure from the cultural norm, while recognizing that a “subconscious” voice will continue to “accuse”.
What shall we do to quiet this condemning inner voice? Shall we plunge into ecstasy and sexual extremes that drown it in the cries of many orgasms? Does pornography help? Should the “shy soul” be encouraged to masturbated regularly or use a “toy”? In my discussions with “counselors” these are frequently the only answers offered. And almost universally, they fail.
Oh how I wish that the ‘would be’ counselors could see what is happening in my mind when they give such “good” suggestions for overcoming the inner voice of taboo. Such “sink or swim” suggestions are frequently justified by statements like, “you have to face your fears eventually anyway”, and “the best way to overcome a fear of heights is to jump out of an airplane”.
This category of suggestion may be perfectly valid for those suffering exclusively from the “First Accuser”. For example, there are many people who attended “catholic school” and hated it the whole time. They never internalized the voice that says “THOU SHALT NOT FORNICATE”. They are emotionally ready to jump into the bed of ecstasy and have long been hoping to do so (and likely masturbating, dreaming of the day it will happen).
But here we speak of the poor soul who experiences debilitating guilt because of their own internal motivations of the soul. This dear flower is closed tight and not letting any sunshine in. Jabbing the “fucking” knife in and prying open the bud will destroy it. Please accept the pun in that statement in its fullest power.
The shy soul should be bathed in laud for each tiny step that is made towards self-confidence. But no presumptions can be made about how quickly this “nut” will germinate. In the plant kingdom some seeds germinate within hours and others take years. One stubborn lotus seed was documented as having laid dormant for 1300 years before sprouting.
One may see occasional bursts of “freedom”. I can recall several times in the initial phases of my “healing” from taboo in which I suddenly shouted out a stream of obscenities like “fuck it all! Fuck the taboo! Fuck my culture! I want to fuck! I WILL FUCK! I SWEAR IT I WILL!”. The response has usually been very encouraging, “YES! YOU WILL!” But even after such a release of volcanic sexual steam, I remain by and large locked in my inability to open my “heart” to sexuality.
Guides should be always there to help the shy soul to feel free at any time to take whatever step forward that he or she is ready to take. They should frequently ask the shy soul, “would you like to spend some intimate time together?” and always guarantee the freedom to just be satisfied with however far it happens to go.
In short, the sexual guide should create an environment of freedom for the shy soul to go forward, or not. The quickest path to quelling the internal voice of taboo is found in the absence of pressure and the proximity of a really soft bed!
* Sexual abuse does not always produce depression.
* Deprival of sex is not categorized as “abuse”
* Actual instances of sexual abuse maybe unreported or even “blacked out” by the victim.
Nonetheless the tears of ‘cryorgasm’ or PCD can be very real expressions of sadness from previous abuse or deprivation.
While approaches vary greatly, I present here three possible lines of counseling that can concurrently be applied. The first is to attempt to document the source of the agony. This does not at all imply the need to go back and “confront” the rapist or to get it out of one’s system by screaming “I HATE YOU” to a photo of the perpetrator. It simply means being a listening ear to the stories of the shy soul’s past. And it probably means opening another box of tissue (and yes... more snot).
What a great opportunity for deep intimacy! This should be viewed not as a unidirectional psychological analysis, but rather as a uniting and bonding in the deepest sense that love may afford – to share one-another’s pains.
The second solution presented to address associative lacrimation is to document and verbalize the absence of any current threat. This should be done in statements of affirmation, not in tone of rebuke. It should be done with the utmost comisseration – with empathy not just sympathy.
Perhaps one time of really going back and explicitly reviewing all the “pains” of the past is necessary. One should always ask questions like, “Is that man still abusing you?” and “Can you say to me that it is past? Or do you still feel like it will happen?”. The goal is to recognize verbally and explicitly the difference between real danger and “associative” danger. A present issue vs. a past issue.
Once the dangers have been clearly defined as “associative” it should not be brought up every time a tear is shed. But sometimes, For example, after a hard bout of PCD weeping, the “guide” or sexual partner might hold the shy soul tightly and silently for a while, then say, “you know they are gone... the bad things that happened before... all gone... all gone my love. All gone. Oh my sweet sweet love… I am with you now… I will protect you… I am so sorry for the things your past… just cry… its ok.. I also cry… it’s all gone… all gone…”
The third solution presented is to attempt to redefine the tears as tears of joy. This should not be forced upon the shy person and it should not replace the other two solutions, but eventually one must come to grips with the fact that tears may continue in a purely biological form, long after any negative emotions disappear.
One might use statements like, “You know… those tears used to represent a lot of confusion and sorrow. But isn’t’ it just amazing that you can experience orgasm! Isn’t it just wonderful!”
You may also try poetry… the real tear jerking poetry that naturally draws on the emotions. And when the crying begins, utter the beautiful words of romantic poetry. This will begin to create new associations in the mind of the shy soul, that will replace the painful memories.
From the time I first felt “the tingle” between my legs, until the time I first dared to touch “that place”, eight years passed. For eight years I cried myself to sleep whenever the “tingle” came. And now, when I have orgasm, the tears come.
I think that’s enough to say about habitual lacrimation in “crygasm”. It differs from PCD. It happens together with the “tingle”.
This is not a “simplex” problem that can be dismissed with a single pill. Nor is it a “non-problem” that can be ignored. The cure will be found by intentionally identifying and addressing each of the many possible causes mentioned above.
Be patient my love!
Be patient!
And be diligent to find the joy that you so deserve.
And if in the end, you are left with your tears, may they become for you tears of joy.
We will speak more about that internal voice (the “Third Accuser”) later, but for now we must isolate and clarify to what extent the external culture is actually or actively uttering forth anathema against the accused perpetrator who is claiming that they did a good thing.
In most cases, the wider culture provides a scope of approved activity that grants sufficient freedom of sexual expression. For example, although Korea is generally a high taboo culture, there is a “hip-hop” sub-culture that embraces sexual expression and can provide a discussion point for helping a “shy soul” to hear a different cultural voice. It may be helpful to view blogs, social network posts and social media to see where culture is going, and to redefine the “traditional” voices.
But the narrower cultural contexts, of “a strict parent” or membership in a hyper-conservative religious institution are sensitive issues that should be defined and discussed openly between the counselor and the “shy soul”. Perhaps one of the most helpful things is to encourage the “shy soul” to make a list of specific instances of explicit criticism lodged against “the defendant”. It is typically seen that the voice of culture tends to be overinflated in our mind, and the “balloon” of cultural anathema can be significantly deflated by letting some of our own personal “hot air” out of it.
If a person is still living in a home where undue anathema is being lodged, or attending a religious entity where the “defendant” feels that undue expectations of chastity are felt, then the most sensible thing to do if first work on an “escape” to a freer environment. In the mean time we can only expect these unhealthy “tears of conflict” to continue.
Sexual partners should be aware of this and remove any expectations of “taboo breaking” until such a freedom is gained.
In the meantime, one might revert to “safer” sexual activity, such as cuddling and dancing, or as mentioned above “dry hump” or mutual masturbation.
In short, the actual freedom from active and condemning taboo should precede excessive breaking of such taboos. And if things occasionally go too far, the “sin” should be covered by a great deal of compassion, apology, hugging and hope that someday freedom will come.
The Second Accuser – The Sexual Partner
It is certainly not the purpose of this article to probe the complexities of BDSM or to impose an ethical “chain” on those who have intentionally chose to participate in such activities. But in cases where Post-Coital Dysteria occurs in context of intentional “guilt” (albeit ‘playing’) or actual submission (again, even in ‘playing’) is it advisable to consult a psychologist for a more reliable assessment of the emotional damage that is caused.
The healthiest advice that can be given, however, is for the sexual partner to go to great extents to avoid any accusation or humiliation or adding to the sense of shame or guilt, where there are visible signs of psychogenic lacrimation in orgasm or Post-Coital Dysteria.
It should be noted, however, that people suffering from the trauma of taboo, are sexually vulnerable, and may have willingly fallen into relationships with “bad” people who only increase the sense of guilt by “dominating” or pushing the “shy soul” into sexual activities that are emotionally disturbing.
Also, as mentioned previously there may be unintended “accusations” felt when a counselor, seeks to ease the situation by saying “Your culture is good, there are good things in all cultures.” Such comments may be subconsciously or quietly interpreted as placing all the blame solely on the suffering “shy soul”.
Yet another area of guilt can be inadvertently come from the sexual partner of the shy soul. This is a secondary sense of guilt that the shy person feels when having intimacy with a more experienced partner. In man this is frequently labeled premature ejaculation. But women also experience it. It happens in the following way. When the heart is “conflicted” the shy soul will frequently pretend to not want sex, or they will subconsciously hold off feelings of ecstasy as long as possible. Then, in a sudden burst of sexual expression, they will awkwardly and quickly reach orgasm, leaving the partner behind. Subsequently they feel guilty that the partner was not led to orgasm.
A responsible and helpful partner will never allow this “dangling” sense of guilt to exist. It must be quenched right away. If the shy says, “ohh I am so sorry I so quickly had orgasm and you did not” the response should be, “Honey.. that was the most sexy thing I ever saw!” One should always minimize the necessity or expectation of orgasm or of any “achievement” in sex.
The Third Accuser – Oneself
We must recognize that “culture” is not a purely external force. The bees in the hive do their assigned work from both internal and external motivations. Introducing an artificial distinction between “that bad cultural taboo” and “my own opinions and desires” will only increase psychological conflict. So, the most helpful approach is to encourage the “shy soul” to confirm explicitly their conscientious departure from the cultural norm, while recognizing that a “subconscious” voice will continue to “accuse”.
What shall we do to quiet this condemning inner voice? Shall we plunge into ecstasy and sexual extremes that drown it in the cries of many orgasms? Does pornography help? Should the “shy soul” be encouraged to masturbated regularly or use a “toy”? In my discussions with “counselors” these are frequently the only answers offered. And almost universally, they fail.
Oh how I wish that the ‘would be’ counselors could see what is happening in my mind when they give such “good” suggestions for overcoming the inner voice of taboo. Such “sink or swim” suggestions are frequently justified by statements like, “you have to face your fears eventually anyway”, and “the best way to overcome a fear of heights is to jump out of an airplane”.
This category of suggestion may be perfectly valid for those suffering exclusively from the “First Accuser”. For example, there are many people who attended “catholic school” and hated it the whole time. They never internalized the voice that says “THOU SHALT NOT FORNICATE”. They are emotionally ready to jump into the bed of ecstasy and have long been hoping to do so (and likely masturbating, dreaming of the day it will happen).
But here we speak of the poor soul who experiences debilitating guilt because of their own internal motivations of the soul. This dear flower is closed tight and not letting any sunshine in. Jabbing the “fucking” knife in and prying open the bud will destroy it. Please accept the pun in that statement in its fullest power.
The shy soul should be bathed in laud for each tiny step that is made towards self-confidence. But no presumptions can be made about how quickly this “nut” will germinate. In the plant kingdom some seeds germinate within hours and others take years. One stubborn lotus seed was documented as having laid dormant for 1300 years before sprouting.
One may see occasional bursts of “freedom”. I can recall several times in the initial phases of my “healing” from taboo in which I suddenly shouted out a stream of obscenities like “fuck it all! Fuck the taboo! Fuck my culture! I want to fuck! I WILL FUCK! I SWEAR IT I WILL!”. The response has usually been very encouraging, “YES! YOU WILL!” But even after such a release of volcanic sexual steam, I remain by and large locked in my inability to open my “heart” to sexuality.
Guides should be always there to help the shy soul to feel free at any time to take whatever step forward that he or she is ready to take. They should frequently ask the shy soul, “would you like to spend some intimate time together?” and always guarantee the freedom to just be satisfied with however far it happens to go.
In short, the sexual guide should create an environment of freedom for the shy soul to go forward, or not. The quickest path to quelling the internal voice of taboo is found in the absence of pressure and the proximity of a really soft bed!
ASSOCIATIVE LACRIMATION
In this section we address the associative causes of crying or depression in intimacy. Studies generally are able to document a weak but noticeable correlation between PCD and some prior sexual abuse. The connection is weak because of the following factors:* Sexual abuse does not always produce depression.
* Deprival of sex is not categorized as “abuse”
* Actual instances of sexual abuse maybe unreported or even “blacked out” by the victim.
Nonetheless the tears of ‘cryorgasm’ or PCD can be very real expressions of sadness from previous abuse or deprivation.
While approaches vary greatly, I present here three possible lines of counseling that can concurrently be applied. The first is to attempt to document the source of the agony. This does not at all imply the need to go back and “confront” the rapist or to get it out of one’s system by screaming “I HATE YOU” to a photo of the perpetrator. It simply means being a listening ear to the stories of the shy soul’s past. And it probably means opening another box of tissue (and yes... more snot).
What a great opportunity for deep intimacy! This should be viewed not as a unidirectional psychological analysis, but rather as a uniting and bonding in the deepest sense that love may afford – to share one-another’s pains.
The second solution presented to address associative lacrimation is to document and verbalize the absence of any current threat. This should be done in statements of affirmation, not in tone of rebuke. It should be done with the utmost comisseration – with empathy not just sympathy.
Perhaps one time of really going back and explicitly reviewing all the “pains” of the past is necessary. One should always ask questions like, “Is that man still abusing you?” and “Can you say to me that it is past? Or do you still feel like it will happen?”. The goal is to recognize verbally and explicitly the difference between real danger and “associative” danger. A present issue vs. a past issue.
Once the dangers have been clearly defined as “associative” it should not be brought up every time a tear is shed. But sometimes, For example, after a hard bout of PCD weeping, the “guide” or sexual partner might hold the shy soul tightly and silently for a while, then say, “you know they are gone... the bad things that happened before... all gone... all gone my love. All gone. Oh my sweet sweet love… I am with you now… I will protect you… I am so sorry for the things your past… just cry… its ok.. I also cry… it’s all gone… all gone…”
The third solution presented is to attempt to redefine the tears as tears of joy. This should not be forced upon the shy person and it should not replace the other two solutions, but eventually one must come to grips with the fact that tears may continue in a purely biological form, long after any negative emotions disappear.
One might use statements like, “You know… those tears used to represent a lot of confusion and sorrow. But isn’t’ it just amazing that you can experience orgasm! Isn’t it just wonderful!”
You may also try poetry… the real tear jerking poetry that naturally draws on the emotions. And when the crying begins, utter the beautiful words of romantic poetry. This will begin to create new associations in the mind of the shy soul, that will replace the painful memories.
HABITUAL LACRIMATION (PAVLOV’S RESPONSE)
You may recall seeing illustrations of the crude device created by the Russian Physiologist Ivan Pavlov when he proved that dogs will salivate due to a habituated response to getting food.From the time I first felt “the tingle” between my legs, until the time I first dared to touch “that place”, eight years passed. For eight years I cried myself to sleep whenever the “tingle” came. And now, when I have orgasm, the tears come.
I think that’s enough to say about habitual lacrimation in “crygasm”. It differs from PCD. It happens together with the “tingle”.
DEALING WITH MY TEARS
So, what can we surmise from this heavy treatise on tears? We have learned that there are clinical and medicinal issues that may be critical. We have learned that tears are best shed onto the shoulder of gentle guide. We have learned that there are sometimes valid reasons for tears as well as real dangers that must be dealt with.This is not a “simplex” problem that can be dismissed with a single pill. Nor is it a “non-problem” that can be ignored. The cure will be found by intentionally identifying and addressing each of the many possible causes mentioned above.
Be patient my love!
Be patient!
And be diligent to find the joy that you so deserve.
And if in the end, you are left with your tears, may they become for you tears of joy.
