Haptophobia – Getting in Touch with Intimacy

      by Jinyi (Mint) Edited by "The Linguist"

      a treatise based on the principles of Zhen Yi

An infant deprived of sight or hearing will typically develop into a well-adapted and normal human being. But a child deprived of "touch" will struggle for their very existence and frequently just die.

Touch is the most tangible and essential element in human intimacy, and thus, the fear of it is the most confusing psychological problem related to intimacy. My dear friend, I know and feel your pain, and I invite you on a journey towards healing. Let us walk this path together.

TABLE OF CONTENTS

                The Taxonomy of Touch

                Causes and Classifications of Haptophobia

                Diagnosis and Clinical Treatment

                Pathway to Intimacy

THE TAXONOMY OF TOUCH

Haptophobia has many faces and quite a few names (Aphenphosmphobia, Haphephobia, thixophobia…) The common feature is a fear of being touched.  Maybe you jerk back when somebody tries to hug you, or you are afraid to touch your own genitals, or just feel this contradictory loss of interest whenever you finally manage to find a friend with whom you could have been intimate.

There are general forms of Haptophobia which prevent a person from coming into physical proximity to another person. But an examination of the Cortical Homunculus shows specific brain segments for each part of the body right down to the individual fingers. The allows for very specific pathological forms.

In this article we will focus on the fear of touch to the genitals, but the path set before us in healing of this issue may be valid for a variety of haptophobic disorders.

Even in the narrow confines of genital haptophobia we can see three subcategories:

* Exogenic - afraid that somebody else will touch their genitals

* Endogenic - afraid to touch their own genitals

* Conducive - afraid to touch the genitals of another person

CAUSES AND CLASSIFICATIONS OF HAPTOPHOBIA

Tactile taboo is prevalent in one form or another in virtually every culture on the face of the earth, and yet it can be one of the most damaging forms of psychological oppression. When culture says "don't touch your genitals" it crushes the heart of a person at a very basic instinctual level. Babies rely more on the somatosensory system than on any other form of input. It is fully natural that they play with their genitals. And yet, what awaits them is an almost certain taboo on doing that.

Cultural anathema against masturbation is nearly universal, and though it strengthens the social norms of modesty, it always affects intimacy in a negative way. This is fine as long as the cultural expectations for intimacy are in accord with the "damage" done to intimacy by the taboo. But we live in a global era now. So, people coming from cultures with heightened tactile taboos are thrust into an awkward position in the global social context.

Haptophobia due to sexual abuse has the same result. The social expectations of intimacy cannot be met due to the psychological hesitations of touching genitals.

The good news is that haptophobia tends to be very specific, such as "hands" touching the "genitals". And so, those who suffer this disorder may be able to experience deep sexual feelings by contact with other parts of the body (leg, tongue, stomach) or even the back of one’s hand.

The person who is serving as ‘guide’ to the shy soul should try to determine the cause, or at least the specific nature of the haptophobia. For example, a person who was sexually abused may be able to touch themselves without fear, but unable to allow another to touch them.  Whereas a person who suffered from cultural anathema may find it more difficult to touch themselves in the genitals and are open to the guide touching them.

So, you see, without knowing the specific nature of the haptophobic disorder, we cannot respond with careful avoidance of the sensitive area.

It is best to identify the symptoms verbally before risking a socially damaging action. But you can also sense what hesitations a person might have if they suddenly get "turned off" by a something you say or do.  For example, a person may be increasingly aroused by conversation and sitting close together, but may suddenly pretend to be busy or lose interest if you try to touch their genitals or invite them to touch yours.

Once you have identified the specific nature of the haptophobia, you should give a verbal commitment to avoid the type of touch that makes them uncomfortable. Additionally, it is good to point out that some of the deepest forms of erotic feelings happen in a sapiosexual context, and that arousal without touching with the hands to genitals can be more intense and satisfying than with direct haptosexual sensations.

One might think that avoiding touch only prolongs the problem and postpones the solution, but this is completely untrue. As mentioned in the general introduction to erotophobia, these disorders stem from deep internal issues, and thus the solutions must also come from within.

Forcing someone to "touch" will simply turn off all intimacy and nothing will be achieved. The answer is found in letting the intimacy reach a point where all these internal hesitations seem relatively small in the eyes of the "shy soul". Intimate passion is arguably the most powerful agent of change that a human can experience.

A proper goal is to encourage "safe" intimacy that will lead the "shy soul" to ecstasy (not necessarily orgasm) and to wait for moments when they willingly (and usually expressively) cast off the taboo, and passionately finger themselves or you or allow you to do it to them.  These moments may be rare initially.. The taboo will not "disappear" after the first success.

It is also important to encourage gradual steps.  Once the problem is openly acknowledged the "shy soul" may feel obligated to "show progress", or may feel like they should just subjugate the emotional pain and allow you to touch them. This will NOT end well.  The key is to give ample opportunity for intimate experiences while minimizing the need for "progress".

You might say... "Hey.. how are you feeling? Do you want to sit together? I could sure use a hug - how about you?" Note that initiation by the guide may be helpful because the shy soul is... well, shy. Then you should remove stress with a statement like: "But no touching of the genitals... no need to do that, ok?"  And they might respond with "Well I should face my fear and let you touch me there." At this, you should respond with openness, but minimizing the need.  "Well whatever your heart wants to do… but don't try to hurry that... Maybe it’s better to leave the touching to later."

You might also seek for "steps". Such as touching first with the forearm. Or, if the problem is endogenic, then you could first have them touch only through clothing, and with the palm and not fingers (specifically the fat part at the base of the hand). I have seen some success (I speak from the point of view of the haptophobic person) by taking the hand of my sexual mentor and placing the back of their hand on my genitals.

This article is far from complete, but I hope that it will suffice to introduce you to the primary issues. The main concept to remember is that passion will naturally lead the way, and all forms of mental coercion will hinder the process. First let safe intimate activity open the path to ecstasy, and in the window that it provides you will see the light needed to cross the boundary of touch into a new world of sexual freedom.

A General Introduction to Erotophobia

      by Jinyi (Mint)

      a treatise based on the principles of Zhen Yi

TABLE OF CONTENTS:

    Intimacy and the Human Condition

    Common Causes of Erotophobia

    Clinical vs. non-clinical Erotophobia

    Specific Erotophobic Disorders

    * Haptophobia

    * Gymnophobia

    * Genophobia

    * Nosophobia

    * Gender Disphoria

    * other less common issues

    Guidelines for mentors

   

INTIMACY AND THE HUMAN CONDITION

I could fill buckets with the tears I have shed over this issue in my life. No pain is greater than the lack of intimacy, and no phobia more perplexing then the fear of it.

Intimacy is the deepest need of the human soul. We would rather starve than lose it. We will gladly sacrifice our lives for the one we love. It is surpassed by no physical need -- not even the base evolutionary urges of "survival". Intimacy is thus the core essence of life, and when a person becomes afraid of that, they lose their humanity in the most painful way.

I cry for you, my dear friend.  And as one who is “breaking the coconut” of taboo, and still on the road to healing, I write these words so that you too can find what we all crave and deserve.

The fear of sexual intimacy has many specific forms, that are vaguely summarized as Erotophobia. Unlike other fears, such as "arachnophobia" or "claustrophobia", these fears are not driven by a mere need to satisfy the flesh or protect the body in some flight or fight reflex. The curse is deeper, and the cure is complex, entailing a restructuring of one’s inmost being.

In addition to this challenge, we cannot assume that a "hug" will comfort the erotophobic soul. For the very tool we would use, may be interpreted as a weapon. Pat answers and superficial exercises are insufficient to heal a person of such ills.

COMMON CAUSES OF EROTOPHOBIA

The first thing that we assume about the history of an erotophobic soul is that they have been raped or sexually abused as a child. This is perhaps the most visible source, but I would assert that it is not the most common.  Myriads, even millions of people who have never been abused or even touched inappropriately suffer some form of crippled intimacy .

There are whole cultures filled to the brim with boys and girls who struggle with intimacy because of a cultural backdrop of taboo, religious convictions of chastity, or simply rigid norms of social behavior that don't allow people to develop healthy patterns of intimacy.

Insisting, or even insinuating that the shy soul must have been sexually abused in the past is a serious thing. If it is false, it may be interpreted as belittling of the real reason for the suffering.  Even if it turns out to be true, the "accusation" may be taken very personally, as if you are saying that the suffering soul did something very bad in their past.

Great care, then, must be taken to broach the subject of "cause" with patience and sensitivity. Here is a list of the most common sources of the pain:

• Sexual Abuse
• Societal Taboo
• Religious Conviction
• Personal Convictions
• Associative fear due to other forms of abuse
• Associative fear due to a friend or relative who was abused
• Low self-esteem (due to insulting, deformity or character)
• Extreme introversion in character
• A painful previous failure in social life

The asperity of a particular cause or the compound impact of several causes will determine the severity of the erotophobia. So, a person who was physically raped may actually have less severe symptoms than one simply had a previous failure. We should never "belittle" the cause by comparing it to something more severe.  Saying, "Just get over it.. think about people who were sexually abused" will NOT be helpful.

Although some counselors might find value in digging up the dirty past, the real goal of understanding the cause should be to better identify the cure. A counselor or “guide” as we say, should be willing to listen to the whole story with fervent passionate listening, but not “picking” into details that are too painful to repeat. 

This initial phase of discovery should be filled with statements of comisseration and pity. Nobody likes a “pity party” but the first step to healing is to be understood. And the first step to curing is to understand.

CLINICAL VS. NON-CLINICAL EROTOPHOBIA

 One of the most important questions to deal with is "Should I get professional help?". Although the correct answer is always “yes”, the option of professional counseling is not always accessible or effective.  In western cultures there tends to be little anathema about "seeing a psychologist".  People can casually mention that their "shink" said this or that.  But in other countries the very nature of this phobia prevents people from getting the help that they so desperately yearn for.

I know of one case in Korea where a wife was completely unable to accept any kind of intimacy from her husband without blowing up with angry emotions and hatred. After years of conflict, she finally agreed that seeing a psychologist would be helpful. But the cultural taboos that prohibit talking openly about sex, made the effort worthless. After two hours of "table talk" the psychologist got up to leave, and as she was walking out the door she handed a book to the woman, saying "you might want to read this". Good book - but one that the couple had already read together with no avail.

In an ideal world ALL forms of erotophobia would be "clinical". That said, there are particularly alarming situations where the "guide" is strongly encouraged to advise the "shy soul" to seek professional psychological help. I would recommend this in the following circumstances. 

•  Suicidal thoughts, dreams or language.
•  Deliberate Self-Harm (DHS) such as cutting, burning, poisoning...
•  Sudden angry outbursts that insult or harm others
•  Physical symptoms of stress such as rashes, eating disorders or hair loss
•  "Turning off" (becoming deaf or non-responsive in certain social situations)
•  Alcoholism, chain smoking, or any drug related "escapes".
•  Sudden panic attacks or "emotional breakdown"
•  Excessively odd speech or abnormal changes in topic.
•  Physical reactions, like jerking back suddenly when a hand approaches the genitals.
•  Sudden outbursts of laughter or crying in illogical situations (not 'crygasm')
•  Signs of psychosomatic illness

Of course anybody with such symptoms needs help, but here we refer specifically to aberrant behavior that stems from an attempt to experience intimacy. So, for example, the last point would be physical illness that consistently follows an attempt to have sex or intimacy.

SPECIFIC EROTOPHOBIC DISORDERS

In this section we well briefly list the most prevalent disorders that fall under this category, and they will be dealt with separately in individual articles.  Our purpose here is to help the “guide” to recognize and distinguish the phobias, so that we can better treat them.

HAPTOPHOBIA is the fear of touch. In this context it refers specifically to a fear of touching genitals with the hand. It should be noted that many people who suffer from haptophobia may allow touching with the leg or another body part, but still experience anxiety if the genitals are touched with the hand.  The specific forms vary.

Exogenic haptophobia is when somebody panics when somebody tries to touch their genitals.

Endogenic haptophobia is the fear of touching one’s own genitals (ME!)

Conducive haptophobia is being afraid to touch the genitals of another person

GYMNOPHOBIA is a fear of being naked. I have spoken with girls who suffer from this to the extent that they wear more layers of clothing when sleeping than when awake.  In some cases, the anxiety is irrespective of the gender of the “onlooker”, but in places like Korea where public bath houses are still in practice, many girls are completely comfortable being naked with other girls, and yet experience extreme anxiety at the thought of any male seeing them unclothed – even their own husband. It should also be noted that both men and women may suffer from gymnophobia.

GENOPHOBIA is the fear of penetration, or actual copulation. Again, the specific varieties vary. A girl may have general genophobia and not want anything to go into her vagina – not even a tampon. A boy may be genophobic and afraid to insert his penis into his partner.  There are also more specific ailments such as haptic genophobia, where copulation is allowed but no finger can be inserted.  The same goes for erotic aids such “dildoes” or “bob” (battery operated boyfriend).

NOSOPHOBIA is the fear of contracting a disease through sexual contact. Although this is not something I have experienced, there are many whose intimate lives are crippled by a completely unjustified fear of disease, even in intimate times with a long term faithful spouse.  There are very specific exercises and therapies that can help people who suffer from this.

GENDER DYSPHORIA is of course a very wide term, but in context of Erotophobia we mean a confusion about sexual orientation due to a fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. Now… I must apologize to my dear friends who are inherently gay or lesbian! I don’t mean at all to convey that homoeroticism is evil, but rather to identify an unhealthy fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. I so much yearn to bear children and am looking forward with great joy to my marriage, but I am practically lesbian due to a paralyzing fear of boys in general. This is what I mean by applying the term Gender Dysphoria as a erotophobic disorder.

Certainly there are other more specific issues that one may encounter. The human soul is a mysterious and sensitive entity.  There are people out there who fear feet or who cannot look into the eye of the person they lay with or who are specifically self-conscious about their breasts or anus or another body part. I have not come up with a term for it, but I am terrified of making a “mess” in orgasm. So what’s that? Juice-o-phobia? We are all messed up and trying to identify our issues.

Once you have identified the specific nature of the erotophibic disorder, you are well on your way to healing. As with many types of social issues, talking openly about the problem is one of the greatest solutions.

But there is much more to be learned about each type, so I encourage you to read the specific articles that are forthcoming.

Dear friends! These are certainly difficult issues, but let me end with an amazing and wonderful “high note”!

If you are a “guide” or mentor for the “shy soul” then you should know that AMAZINGLY EROTIC experiences can be had both during and as a result of this process of healing your partner. There are elements of sapiosexuality at play here.  When we remove the “penetration” and “touching of hands” and “nudity”, we are left with something WONDERFUL! The things I speak of are not to be found in the “fucking”. They are the subtle things of sexuality. So, be patient! Be of good cheer! And don’t look upon this task as one in which you must “descend” from a higher plateau of intimacy to a lower one.

If you are the “shy soul”. Firstly, I want you to know that I weep profusely for you and feel the knife of your pain with all of its bitter force. I have been there (and can honestly say that I am a novice on the path to healing). But I PROMISE YOU!!!!! I SWEAR TO YOU!!! YOU CAN HAVE DEEP AND FANTASIC INTIMATE EXPERIENCES! I Know that to be true.  Yes, they are clouded by many failures in between. Yes, the road is long. But do not let the prohibitions crush the inhibitions. In fact, let me go so far as to say this: you hold in your heart the keys to the lost treasure of true intimacy that this generation seems to no longer enjoy.  They are have become utterly de-sensitized by the overt activity of their fucking genitals (pun intended), their grabby hands and their nudity which is broadcasted on the internet in thousands of pornography web sites. You can achieve RIGHT NOW – in spite of your genophobia, gumnophobia and haptophobia – an intimacy that does not have to be fed by fingering, nudity or penetration. YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!

Yes… seek the healing that you so yearn for. But know that you are a wonderful person and that yours is the key to true sapiosexual, mind blowing, gut shaking, intimacy that is bathed in as many of tears of joy as you have shed from the pain. Yes… buckets full!

Psychogenic Lacrimation During Orgasm and in PCD

by Jinyi (Mint) thanks again for my wonderful editor -"The Linguist"
a treatise based on the principles of Zhen Yi

Orgasm is arguably the most primal joy that a human can experience. And yet… sometimes it makes us cry. In this article we examine the contradictory phenomena of Post-Coital Dysphoria (PCD) in its most visible form – crying.

CONTENTS:
Introduction to Psychogenic Lacrimation During Orgasm and in PCD
Can these be tears of joy?
The Role of Guilt and Taboo
     Actual Guilt
     Gray Areas
     False Guilt
          Accused by Culture
          Accused by Partner
          Accused by Self
Associative Lacrimation
Habitual Lacrimation (pavlov’s response)
Dealing with my Tears

INTRODUCTION TO PSYCHOGENIC LACRIMATION DURING ORGASM AND IN PCD

In the first century the Greek physician Galen of Pergamom wrote that “every animal is sad after coitus except the human female and the rooster.” But his observations in the animal realm do not universally apply to humans. A Sephardi philosopher in the 17th century, Baruch de Espinoza, generalized, “after the enjoyment of sensual pleasure is past, the greatest sadness follows. If this does not completely engross, still it thoroughly confuses and dulls the mind.”

But how common is this sadness? Are we truly the roosters of Galen? Or are we all subject to “Post-Sex Blues”? A recent study by Dr. Rober Schweitzer and a team of researchers was published in the journal “Sexual Medicine” in October of 2015, which gives us an alarming answer.

“forty-six percent of respondents reported experiencing PCD symptoms at least once in their lifetime with 5.1% experiencing PCD symptoms a few times within the past 4 weeks”
                  ” Postcoital Dysphoria: Prevalence and Psychological Correlates (R. Schweitzer)

A similar study was conducted in 2013 with one third of the respondents having experienced Post Coital Dysteria, and 10% suffering regularly from it.

In this article, however, we focus more specifically on crying in orgasm and after sex. Although some researchers claim it to be a merely physiological (cricopharyngeal reflex due to stimulation of the vagus nerve by uterine contractions in orgasm), but everyone who has fought with PCD knows – the flood of emotions that accompany crying in or after orgasm is vastly different then the mere biological reaction of slicing onions. The cause is clearly psychogenic.

And although there is no conclusive study that focuses on male respondents, if you are one of the guys who suffers from this… then you know the truth… it also affects men. Do not let science turn a blind eye to your suffering.

As with all psychogenic issues, if you find it dominating the social intercourse with your beloved, or inhibiting you from social interaction, then don’t hesitate to see a psychologist. I can say from first-hand experience that it will be encouraging. But that is more of a disclaimer than it is real advice.

In this article I intend to give you real knowledge of what is going on and real advice on how to move forward, so let’s study this together and find the path to intimacy in and through our tears. (Yes ‘our’! For I too am part of the “statistic”).

CAN THESE BE TEARS OF JOY?

In this section I do not mean to belittle your confusion and pain, my dear flower. If you recognize clearly that there are negative emotional aspects to your tears, then please read on in the other sections about the causes and solutions to those emotions, but I need to point out that such tears almost always have at least an element of joy – both in “crygasm” and in post-coital lacrimation. [Note: the topic of crygasm has started to receive more attention with a pornography site called crygasm.org]

Perhaps it would be more appropriate in a didactic sense to first discuss the foundational issues of guilt, pain and habituation before discussing the ‘tears of joy’ but whatever the underlying issue – your goal is never to eliminate any form of happiness – even in a visibly conflicting form. So let’s look at the two types of “happy tears”.

The first is reflex based. The fact is that there are girls out there who find that the physiological triggers engaged during orgasm also trigger crying. As mentioned earlier, this is a cricopharyngeal reflex due to stimulation of the vagus nerve by uterine contractions in orgasm. Or in layman’s terms a ‘lump in the throat’ due to physical reasons and not psychological ones. It is not clearly known if men can experience this but let’s not close the book of science on an unstudied subject.

If you may notice reflex based lacrimation by the “tearing up” that comes prior to any kind of conflicting emotions that appear in conjunction with it. What should you do about this?

The first solution is TALK! Discuss it with your partner and ENJOY the tears! They are a natural part of your orgasmic physiology.

The second option is medicinal. If you find that the “lump in the throat” is too difficult to endure, then you may consult with a doctor about it. There are drugs (specifically benzodiazepines, such as Valium or Antivan) that maybe reduce cricopharyngeal spasms but beware, because these drugs tend to be habit forming. A better solution is to drink warm fluids. Have a nice up of hot tea herbal tea ready, and as you start to get excited, take a few sips!

The third solution is to reduce the “stress” of orgasm. This is a complex task, of course, because orgasm is inherently a physiologically stressful event. But better heath training, and exercise will allow you to endure orgasm with less strain on your body. And building a more trusting relationship with sexual partners will ease the emotional stress of orgasm.

So, let’s move on to the second cause of “happy tears” – the psychogenic lacrimation. The simple fact is that orgasm is wonderful! In fact, it is “shockingly amazing” and this shock, in an of itself, can bring tears of joy. But even in the case where psychogenic lacrimation is associated with negative emotions (discussed in the other sections), recognize the beneficial role of “happy tears”.

We all know the phenomenon of crying at the happy moment in a movie, or at seeing our children win an award. No matter what the cause, do no hold back the flood. Let it flow.

An undesirable result of psychogenic lacrimation, however, (sometimes absent in the purely cricopharyngeal reflex) is snot! Ohh how I have battled against my snot!!! I was more worried about accidentally getting snot on my partner than I was about finding the real issue causing my emotional outburst. And that worry only compounded the issue.

The answer… TALK + TISSUE! If your partner is aware, then let him or her also help. Both of you have the right to grab that tissue. Both of you have the right to laugh about it! It is nothing more than a runny nose. It is part of life! The love that we have for our children allows us to wipe up A LOT MORE THAN SNOT! So, let the love wipe this runny nose as well.

THE ROLE OF GUILT AND TABOO

Now we come to the negative elements of psychogenic lacrimation. For many people, the cultural values that they carry produce a feeling of guilt about sexual pleasure. This is especially true in certain Asian cultures (like Korea) and in religious contexts where sexual pleasure is seen as ‘sinful’.

The result is a psychological conflict. This is heightened by the fact that a significant part of “orgasm” is involuntary. Most people experience a “tipping point” in arousal where the “logical mind” is no longer able to apply reason to the situation.

At first, you may say to yourself (or even to your partner) things like, “Ok, let’s cuddle, but I don’t want to have sex now” or “Let’s try to keep it under control, I don’t want anybody to hear our making out”. In fact, you may have expressed an explicit request to NOT have sex, and just to “talk” or maybe sit together… and then… you start to feel your blood go faster… your breathing becomes erratic… and before you know it you are screaming out “FUCK ME!!!!” and wildly bucking your hips toward your lover and ripping off whatever remaining clothing you or your partner have on. (OK… so you got a preview of what happens with me there…)

You did NOT intend to have orgasm because your “logical” mind was setting limits. But now you have committed the crime! But let’s look through the glasses of science at this crime scene.

Case Number One – the Truly Guilty Criminal. 

 There are valid reasons why guilt may cast a shadow on your sexual activity. The passions of uncontrollable sexual desire should not put you at risk of contracting a sexually transmitted disease. If you have not learned about such then search for "STD".  Nor should they cause pregnancy when we don’t want that. Nor should they jeopardize your employment. Nor should they get you expelled form a seminary or church that you truly wish to remain part of (although we discuss this further in “case number two”).

How then can we actually prevent “breaking the law”? Certainly, being prepared with preservatives (condom’s) is a part of this. But the underlying issue here is the VALIDITY of taboo and sexual repression. (Wow… that was a VERY difficult thing for me to write… calm down, Mint… calm your heart... and accept the truth…) sexual repression, to some degree is valid. A 1999 study of changing attitudes about sexuality in China documented the increase in HIV in direct correlation to a new openness about premarital sex.

Case Number Two – The Gray Zone. 

OK, so let’s assume that your sexual experience is not putting you at risk of STD, unwanted pregnancy or losing your job or membership in social or religions organization. Can a sense of taboo still cause conflicting emotions? The answer is clearly yes.

If sex is relatively new to you then perhaps your philosophical or religious constructs are unable to bear the weight of this new burden. I would propose that instead of making a drastic religious change, that you discuss the “philosophy” of sex with your partner as well as with mentors or teachers.

The solution that we need to seek in this “gray zone” is to clearly define what we believe, and to set reasonable limits for ourselves. What are your views on premarital sex? How far can you go? Is it really immoral, in your ethno-religious context to experience an orgasm? Would mutual masturbation be appropriate? What about those years of “dry humping” the pillow?

The fact is that many conflicting emotions come from things that are not truly against our convictions, but just “new”. So it is wise to ‘ease into’ what is allowed by our convictions. Consider, instead of full sex, dry humping. This means to agree with your partner to help each other reach orgasm without taking clothing off. In fact, the more modest forms of sexual expression can be more fulfilling and emotionally satisfying as full vaginal penetration.

Before moving on to the third aspect of Guilt and Taboo, it is important to note that the counselor (be it sexual counselor, this article or self-counseling) should be neutral in philosophical and religious views. Sexuality is like the bud of a flower; it cannot be opened from external force. If any philosophical changes need to happen, they must happen from within. The dangers in this are twofold. Firstly, to criticize the pre-existing philosophy that created the “taboo” may only add another layer of conflicting emotions and this, of course will only deepen the problem. But on the other hand, if the counselor praises or justifies the pre-existing “taboos” it be interpreted by the “shy soul” as further evidence that they should remain in the chains from which they are so eager to escape.

Case Number Three – The Innocently Accused. 

This area is perhaps the most complex of the guilt-related reasons for conflicting emotions that produce post-coital dysteria or “crygasm”. There are times the “shy soul” suffers unjustly from feelings of guilt. These can be so overwhelming that they can cause a sudden burst of uncontrollable weeping.

It is important to note that sometimes we recognize the feeling as “guilt” from having broken a taboo, but at other times we just burst into tears without a conscious feeling of having done something wrong. It is not uncommon for the joy of orgasm to overshadow all other “conscious” feelings.

So what happens when the “shy soul” cries out, “I am innocent”? Let’s first separate out the three possible “accusers”. The first is the “culture” (or external philosophical pressures). The second is the partner. This is most obviously visible in BDSM scenarios or in cases of abuse where a woman would be openly called a “slut” or “whore”. The third “accuser” is oneself (typically the cruelest of the three).

The First Accuser – Culture. 

Let me just blurt this out… (sorry in advance for being rude and disrespectful). I am Korean.. I hate Korea. I grew up under academic pressure that left no time for any kind of enjoyment, and in addition to that I felt as though it was a grave sin to touch my own genitals in a sexual way or to open my heart to any kind of sexual enjoyment. I can’t blame a particular person for teaching me this, it’s just lodged deep in the cultural ethic that I “hear” accusing me.

We will speak more about that internal voice (the “Third Accuser”) later, but for now we must isolate and clarify to what extent the external culture is actually or actively uttering forth anathema against the accused perpetrator who is claiming that they did a good thing.

In most cases, the wider culture provides a scope of approved activity that grants sufficient freedom of sexual expression. For example, although Korea is generally a high taboo culture, there is a “hip-hop” sub-culture that embraces sexual expression and can provide a discussion point for helping a “shy soul” to hear a different cultural voice. It may be helpful to view blogs, social network posts and social media to see where culture is going, and to redefine the “traditional” voices.

But the narrower cultural contexts, of “a strict parent” or membership in a hyper-conservative religious institution are sensitive issues that should be defined and discussed openly between the counselor and the “shy soul”. Perhaps one of the most helpful things is to encourage the “shy soul” to make a list of specific instances of explicit criticism lodged against “the defendant”. It is typically seen that the voice of culture tends to be overinflated in our mind, and the “balloon” of cultural anathema can be significantly deflated by letting some of our own personal “hot air” out of it.

If a person is still living in a home where undue anathema is being lodged, or attending a religious entity where the “defendant” feels that undue expectations of chastity are felt, then the most sensible thing to do if first work on an “escape” to a freer environment. In the mean time we can only expect these unhealthy “tears of conflict” to continue.

Sexual partners should be aware of this and remove any expectations of “taboo breaking” until such a freedom is gained.

In the meantime, one might revert to “safer” sexual activity, such as cuddling and dancing, or as mentioned above “dry hump” or mutual masturbation.

In short, the actual freedom from active and condemning taboo should precede excessive breaking of such taboos. And if things occasionally go too far, the “sin” should be covered by a great deal of compassion, apology, hugging and hope that someday freedom will come.

The Second Accuser – The Sexual Partner
It is certainly not the purpose of this article to probe the complexities of BDSM or to impose an ethical “chain” on those who have intentionally chose to participate in such activities. But in cases where Post-Coital Dysteria occurs in context of intentional “guilt” (albeit ‘playing’) or actual submission (again, even in ‘playing’) is it advisable to consult a psychologist for a more reliable assessment of the emotional damage that is caused.

The healthiest advice that can be given, however, is for the sexual partner to go to great extents to avoid any accusation or humiliation or adding to the sense of shame or guilt, where there are visible signs of psychogenic lacrimation in orgasm or Post-Coital Dysteria.

It should be noted, however, that people suffering from the trauma of taboo, are sexually vulnerable, and may have willingly fallen into relationships with “bad” people who only increase the sense of guilt by “dominating” or pushing the “shy soul” into sexual activities that are emotionally disturbing.

Also, as mentioned previously there may be unintended “accusations” felt when a counselor, seeks to ease the situation by saying “Your culture is good, there are good things in all cultures.” Such comments may be subconsciously or quietly interpreted as placing all the blame solely on the suffering “shy soul”.

Yet another area of guilt can be inadvertently come from the sexual partner of the shy soul. This is a secondary sense of guilt that the shy person feels when having intimacy with a more experienced partner. In man this is frequently labeled premature ejaculation. But women also experience it. It happens in the following way. When the heart is “conflicted” the shy soul will frequently pretend to not want sex, or they will subconsciously hold off feelings of ecstasy as long as possible. Then, in a sudden burst of sexual expression, they will awkwardly and quickly reach orgasm, leaving the partner behind. Subsequently they feel guilty that the partner was not led to orgasm.

A responsible and helpful partner will never allow this “dangling” sense of guilt to exist. It must be quenched right away. If the shy says, “ohh I am so sorry I so quickly had orgasm and you did not” the response should be, “Honey.. that was the most sexy thing I ever saw!” One should always minimize the necessity or expectation of orgasm or of any “achievement” in sex.

The Third Accuser – Oneself
We must recognize that “culture” is not a purely external force. The bees in the hive do their assigned work from both internal and external motivations. Introducing an artificial distinction between “that bad cultural taboo” and “my own opinions and desires” will only increase psychological conflict. So, the most helpful approach is to encourage the “shy soul” to confirm explicitly their conscientious departure from the cultural norm, while recognizing that a “subconscious” voice will continue to “accuse”.

What shall we do to quiet this condemning inner voice? Shall we plunge into ecstasy and sexual extremes that drown it in the cries of many orgasms? Does pornography help? Should the “shy soul” be encouraged to masturbated regularly or use a “toy”? In my discussions with “counselors” these are frequently the only answers offered. And almost universally, they fail.

Oh how I wish that the ‘would be’ counselors could see what is happening in my mind when they give such “good” suggestions for overcoming the inner voice of taboo. Such “sink or swim” suggestions are frequently justified by statements like, “you have to face your fears eventually anyway”, and “the best way to overcome a fear of heights is to jump out of an airplane”.

This category of suggestion may be perfectly valid for those suffering exclusively from the “First Accuser”. For example, there are many people who attended “catholic school” and hated it the whole time. They never internalized the voice that says “THOU SHALT NOT FORNICATE”. They are emotionally ready to jump into the bed of ecstasy and have long been hoping to do so (and likely masturbating, dreaming of the day it will happen).

But here we speak of the poor soul who experiences debilitating guilt because of their own internal motivations of the soul. This dear flower is closed tight and not letting any sunshine in. Jabbing the “fucking” knife in and prying open the bud will destroy it. Please accept the pun in that statement in its fullest power.

The shy soul should be bathed in laud for each tiny step that is made towards self-confidence. But no presumptions can be made about how quickly this “nut” will germinate. In the plant kingdom some seeds germinate within hours and others take years. One stubborn lotus seed was documented as having laid dormant for 1300 years before sprouting.

One may see occasional bursts of “freedom”. I can recall several times in the initial phases of my “healing” from taboo in which I suddenly shouted out a stream of obscenities like “fuck it all! Fuck the taboo! Fuck my culture! I want to fuck! I WILL FUCK! I SWEAR IT I WILL!”. The response has usually been very encouraging, “YES! YOU WILL!” But even after such a release of volcanic sexual steam, I remain by and large locked in my inability to open my “heart” to sexuality.

Guides should be always there to help the shy soul to feel free at any time to take whatever step forward that he or she is ready to take. They should frequently ask the shy soul, “would you like to spend some intimate time together?” and always guarantee the freedom to just be satisfied with however far it happens to go.

In short, the sexual guide should create an environment of freedom for the shy soul to go forward, or not. The quickest path to quelling the internal voice of taboo is found in the absence of pressure and the proximity of a really soft bed!

ASSOCIATIVE LACRIMATION

In this section we address the associative causes of crying or depression in intimacy. Studies generally are able to document a weak but noticeable correlation between PCD and some prior sexual abuse. The connection is weak because of the following factors:
* Sexual abuse does not always produce depression.
* Deprival of sex is not categorized as “abuse”
* Actual instances of sexual abuse maybe unreported or even “blacked out” by the victim.

Nonetheless the tears of ‘cryorgasm’ or PCD can be very real expressions of sadness from previous abuse or deprivation.

While approaches vary greatly, I present here three possible lines of counseling that can concurrently be applied. The first is to attempt to document the source of the agony. This does not at all imply the need to go back and “confront” the rapist or to get it out of one’s system by screaming “I HATE YOU” to a photo of the perpetrator. It simply means being a listening ear to the stories of the shy soul’s past. And it probably means opening another box of tissue (and yes... more snot).

What a great opportunity for deep intimacy! This should be viewed not as a unidirectional psychological analysis, but rather as a uniting and bonding in the deepest sense that love may afford – to share one-another’s pains.

The second solution presented to address associative lacrimation is to document and verbalize the absence of any current threat. This should be done in statements of affirmation, not in tone of rebuke. It should be done with the utmost comisseration – with empathy not just sympathy.

Perhaps one time of really going back and explicitly reviewing all the “pains” of the past is necessary. One should always ask questions like, “Is that man still abusing you?” and “Can you say to me that it is past? Or do you still feel like it will happen?”. The goal is to recognize verbally and explicitly the difference between real danger and “associative” danger. A present issue vs. a past issue.

Once the dangers have been clearly defined as “associative” it should not be brought up every time a tear is shed. But sometimes, For example, after a hard bout of PCD weeping, the “guide” or sexual partner might hold the shy soul tightly and silently for a while, then say, “you know they are gone... the bad things that happened before... all gone... all gone my love. All gone. Oh my sweet sweet love… I am with you now… I will protect you… I am so sorry for the things your past… just cry… its ok.. I also cry… it’s all gone… all gone…”

The third solution presented is to attempt to redefine the tears as tears of joy. This should not be forced upon the shy person and it should not replace the other two solutions, but eventually one must come to grips with the fact that tears may continue in a purely biological form, long after any negative emotions disappear.

One might use statements like, “You know… those tears used to represent a lot of confusion and sorrow. But isn’t’ it just amazing that you can experience orgasm! Isn’t it just wonderful!”

You may also try poetry… the real tear jerking poetry that naturally draws on the emotions. And when the crying begins, utter the beautiful words of romantic poetry. This will begin to create new associations in the mind of the shy soul, that will replace the painful memories.

HABITUAL LACRIMATION (PAVLOV’S RESPONSE)

You may recall seeing illustrations of the crude device created by the Russian Physiologist Ivan Pavlov when he proved that dogs will salivate due to a habituated response to getting food.

From the time I first felt “the tingle” between my legs, until the time I first dared to touch “that place”, eight years passed. For eight years I cried myself to sleep whenever the “tingle” came. And now, when I have orgasm, the tears come.

I think that’s enough to say about habitual lacrimation in “crygasm”. It differs from PCD. It happens together with the “tingle”.

DEALING WITH MY TEARS

So, what can we surmise from this heavy treatise on tears? We have learned that there are clinical and medicinal issues that may be critical. We have learned that tears are best shed onto the shoulder of gentle guide. We have learned that there are sometimes valid reasons for tears as well as real dangers that must be dealt with.

This is not a “simplex” problem that can be dismissed with a single pill. Nor is it a “non-problem” that can be ignored. The cure will be found by intentionally identifying and addressing each of the many possible causes mentioned above.

Be patient my love!

Be patient!

And be diligent to find the joy that you so deserve.

And if in the end, you are left with your tears, may they become for you tears of joy.

The Wheel of Intelligence

The Wheel of Intelligence

Axioms and Proverbs

About the Author:

Truth is like seeing meaning in art.

Clarity is the friend of learning but the enemy of thought ― Jinyi (Mint)

Pain is requisite, suffering is optional ― Jinyi (Mint)

Evil may deliver pain, but we design the suffering. ― Jinyi (Mint)

Commiseration is the path to compassion. ― Jinyi (Mint)

Define commiseration: http://kajaotto.com/compassion-vs-commiseration/

The fool says “suffering invented faith”. The wise says “its lack invented suffering”. ― Jinyi (Mint)

Faith is not “believing”, but rather “seeing”, “hearing” and “sensing” the hypostasis of The Presence. ― Jinyi (Mint)

The tongue that exhorts pleasure is a dagger to the deprived. ― Jinyi (Mint)

When lovers share a rose, the unloved get the thorns. ― Jinyi (Mint)

If life is a destination, you will never arrive... but if life is a process you already succeeded. ― In honor of Mwenwin

A Brief Introduction to Zhēn yī

‘The Bright Truth’ by Jinyi (Mint)

The Un-religion… the Fun religion…

If you like religion... you will love these ideas, but most people today don't like religion, for two reasons: The first is that it is NOT fun! And the second is that most religions divide 'good' and 'bad' people. Well, welcome to Zhēn Yī!

Everybody reflects something greater than the primal. We inherently seek to add ''joy" to survival. All testify to something more sublime than blood and flesh, dirt and fire. We all scratching up different paths to find a smile (or following a path that was made from above). Although Zhēn Yī is nothing more than a theosophical construct, it is a fun way to find some laughter no matter what religious or non-religious path you followed.

Zhēn Yī is hyper-system of ideas and practices. The full name is 明眞伊

• míng 明 ‘bright, light, brilliant; clear’ An honorific agnomen. 
• zhēn 眞 ‘real, actual, true, genuine’ Describes its basic nature 
• yī 伊 ‘third person pronoun’ Infers both identity and singularity

It is a theosophical construct which seeks to encourage a set of general ideas without specifying or requiring specific theology or symbolism. At the theosophical level, it is concerned primarily with epistemological issues, leaving cosmogenic, eschatological and conventional soteriology to be defined and specified in various ways in the specific Dimensions and Modalities discussed below.
Zhēn Yī does not determine any specific religious beliefs, so it is an ‘un-religion’. The practices include a lot of FUN things, that help people deal with and resolve pain and suffering. It neither replaces nor requires religion. It is a non-binding theosophy.  It is not, however, esoteric. In fact, it is the opposite. There are no elite or secret societies and no secret teachings within it. In the same way that Lawrence of the Resurrection opened a path parallel and compatible with monasticism, these ideas simply go in your pocket as you walk your path.

Dimensions of Zhēn Yī

Zhēn Yī currently has three dimensions (i.e. three ways to practice it):

• The Dimension of Inspiration
• The Ecclesiastical Dimension 
• The Dojo or 도장 Dimension 

The key element of the Dimension of Inspiration is a direct revelation from the Presence (traditionally ‘God’ or ‘Divine One’) which is passed on through Spiritual Leaders. Inspiration is distinguished from ‘self-realization’, which falls under the Dojo Dimension. This is not a path rooted in the shadows of the human soul, but rather in the desires of The One to make people smile. There are most certainly many to whom such a blessing has been bestowed, but the reader is cautioned regarding those who simultaneously build a name for themselves, and yet claim ‘truth’. Inspiration is exogenic - a breath of laughter on the lips of humans, from the winds of higher inspiration.

The second Dimension is Ecclesiastical. Many people in this world are insensitive to the first dimension and intolerant of the third. For them, a more familiar Dimension follows that of ecclesiastical traditions. Note that there is no single ecclesiastical modality. Zhēn Yī can be practiced regardless of one’s current or pre-existing religion, similar to Baha’i. The Ecclesiastical Dimension helps the follower to be faithful to the set of religious norms and constructs they already chose. This Dimension encourages ‘seeking’, and ‘discussing’ in context of a family of followers. Zhēn Yī can stand alone as a religion or happily coexist with Christianity, Judaism, Islam or Eastern religions.

The third Dimension is the 도장 (also called 道場, dōjō, どうじょう). In this Dimension there is a Master (or even Mistress) who passes Zhēn Yī to disciples or apprentices. There are also many modalities in which this dimension can exist. Some are monastic, while others are patterned after Eastern religions. It can be done with a group of disciples or one on one. The general shared characteristic is that a leader teaches disciples until they reach apprenticeship and ultimately leadership of their own. As opposed to the other two Dimensions, this one does not imply exogenic divinity; so the practices of atheism, self-realization and even ways that I will not mention here can comfortably exist in this approach.

There is an acknowledged theological distance between these dimensions. Each one may claim that the other is heretical. At the theosophical level, however, a single set of ideas is expressed through the potentially antiphonus practices of the individual dimensions and modalities.

Paths of Zhēn Yī

In each dimension there are three paths:

• The Path of the Disciple 
• The Path of the Apprentice 
• The Path of the Apostate (Usually not spoken of in early lessons) 

It is expected that everyone enter as a Disciple. The activities of the disciple differ according to the dimension and modality he or she has chosen. But in any case there is a spiritual guide who helps the disciple to learn. That guide can be either a Leader, an Ecclesiastical fellowship, or the very Presence of The One.

After one becomes “accepted’ as a disciple”, the path of apprenticeship may be chosen. Not all disciples choose to become apprentices. The goal of the apprentice is to someday achieve the position of a spiritual guide, master or other leader, and thus, help pass on the beliefs and practices of Zhēn Yī to others. Again, the terms ‘accepted’ and ‘spiritual guide’ differ according to dimension and modality.

Unlike other systems of practice and belief, Zhēn Yī acknowledges and accepts the condition of the apostate. While it is not encouraged (and indeed avoided) it is seen as a sometimes necessary and beneficial stage or period in which the student forsakes the practices or no longer yields to any spiritual entity, and even ignores the Truth. Even if the individual remains apostate, good can be done.

Tenets of Zhēn Yī

The core tenets are:

• Curiosity in the idea of a supernatural divine as good and superior 
• Anti-esoteric comradery with all people on earth
• Joy in unrelenting pain 
• Tangible non-graduated soteriology 

SUPERNATURAL DIVINE. Deity is not tightly specified in the theosophical arena, but to lose our curiosity in the very idea of the divine is too discouraging. If we cannot muster a sense of worship, then at least we should hold on to a sense of wonder. If only in the interests of pragmatism, it is foolish to let such powerful tools slip through our hands to the dirt the evolutionary layer that we think ourselves to be on. Atheism is seen as a limitation of one’s ability to stand above the biological urges and laugh in spite of our pathetic physical condition as we fall back to the dust from which we rose. The material things described by science are seen as the very the enemies of the truth. Our physical bodies die, material possessions trick us into false pleasures from "what can be seen”. Wearing blinders that focus only the physical things is not ‘scientific enlightenment’.

ANTI-ESOTERICISM. Anti-esotericism or anti-elitism is perhaps the most difficult tenet to accept and understand, nonetheless it is accepted at the theosophical level. This refers to horizontal anti-esotericism in which various dimensions and modalities of belief are seen as concurrently valid, though not congruent. It also refers to vertical anti-esotericism, in which a Master, or Priest or other spiritual guide is not seen as better than an apprentice or disciple (or even an apostate). Even in the 도장 Dimension, which frequently features and unquestioned authoritarian spiritual guide there is “underlying and mutual devotion or love” between the highest and the lowest in rank or position.

JOY IN PAIN. Also called “The Great Truth”, is taken from the ante-patriarchal phrase “joy in unrelenting pain” (familiar to avid readers). It is perhaps the most definitive feature of the practice. This great truth has been restated in a vast number of cultural traditions, religions and non-religious systems of belief. In this axiom, we see freedom from all forms of unhappiness as well as motivation to help those still suffering. In contrast to the Eastern view that pain and suffering are non-existent, we view pain as real and suffering as optional. The administration of pain as penance is rejected at the theosophical level, but the practice of willful commiseration is encouraged - not to build one’s resistance nor feed a masochistic Epicureanism, but rather untie the dangerous bond between comfort and joy, and to evoke compassion and good deeds.

TANGIBLE NON-GRADUATED SOTERIOLOGY. While traditional (even conflicting) concepts of ‘salvation’ may be present in particular Dimensions or Modalities, the concept of soteriology at the theosophical level does not divide into ‘levels’ or gradations, nor does it refer to a theological understanding of ‘salvation’. In Zhēn Yī, no one is required to cross a certain ‘line’ of ‘salvation’. Instead, one is ‘saved’ from suffering to the extent that one is able to find actual relief in ‘unrelenting pain’ and saved from cruelty to the extent that commiseration has produced genuine compassion. We acknowledge that all are pilgrims, and none have reached the goal. Thus none are ‘saved’. Likewise, all are on the ‘path’, thus all are ‘saved’. These concepts are related to this life only and are independent of theological concepts of ‘salvation’.

The tenets described here need not be seen or grasped by all adherents at all times. Nor do they answer all questions. There is a distinction between theosophical and exegetical issues. These tenets are theosophical in nature, whereas more specific beliefs are set forth by exegetes, theologians or sages at the level of individual Modalities.

Modalities of Zhēn Yī

Within each Dimension, there may be various Modalities. Here are a few examples:

• A Christian fellowship may implement some of the Zhēn Yī practices to enhance and encourage Christian compassion, and they may call it something else, and never even assciate it with Zhēn Yī.
• An adherent may host theosophical discussions on web or social media. 
• An eastern monastic tradition may set forth a subset of Zhēn Yī practices in context of a cloistered lifestyle. 
• An individual may practice Zhēn Yī with no forms of fellowship or leader. 
• Due to the common perspective of “joy in pain”, there is even a BDSM modality.

Practices of Zhēn Yī

The practices of Zhēn Yī are neither graded nor absolutely required. They exist to encourage commiseration and to help the adherent to experience joy within the painful experiences of life. Some examples of Zhēn Yī practices are:

• Tears for Salt. Refusing to put salt on food, except for the saltiness of one’s own tears as we remember those who are starving. 
• Torn Clothing. A small tear or rip in each piece of clothing we own, to help us remember that joy does not come from looking stylish, and to enhance compassion for those who cannot afford new clothing. 
• Commiserative Menstruation. Taking one day in each phase of the moon to think about the victims of war, rape or other bloody sufferings. Women remember in obvious way. Others can use tampon as key chain or other fun way!
• The Hole in my Shoe. The practice of continuing to use shoes even after they have a hole, to remind ourselves about those who do not have shoes or cannot afford good ones.

Each practice in this category can also have a proactive corresponding Response, such as “Tears for Salt… give food to someone”; “Torn Clothng… buy some clothing for someone”. It should be clear, however, that true joy is NOT in food and clothing, rather in being happy despite the lack of it. So, although an excellent expression of love, the Responses do not produce Zhēn Yī  in the heart of the recipient, but for those who are still "on the path" it is a temporal relief.