by Jinyi (Mint)
a treatise based
on the principles of Zhen Yi
TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Intimacy and the
Human Condition
Common Causes of
Erotophobia
Clinical vs.
non-clinical Erotophobia
Specific
Erotophobic Disorders
* Haptophobia
* Gymnophobia
* Genophobia
* Nosophobia
* Gender Disphoria
* other less
common issues
Guidelines for
mentors
INTIMACY AND THE HUMAN CONDITION
I could fill buckets with the tears I have shed over this
issue in my life. No pain is greater than the lack of intimacy, and no phobia
more perplexing then the fear of it.
Intimacy is the deepest need of the human soul. We would
rather starve than lose it. We will gladly sacrifice our lives for the one we
love. It is surpassed by no physical need -- not even the base evolutionary
urges of "survival". Intimacy is thus the core essence of life, and
when a person becomes afraid of that, they lose their humanity in the most
painful way.
I cry for you, my dear friend. And as one who is “breaking the coconut” of
taboo, and still on the road to healing, I write these words so that you too
can find what we all crave and deserve.
The fear of sexual intimacy has many specific forms, that
are vaguely summarized as Erotophobia. Unlike other fears, such as
"arachnophobia" or "claustrophobia", these fears are not
driven by a mere need to satisfy the flesh or protect the body in some flight
or fight reflex. The curse is deeper, and the cure is complex, entailing a
restructuring of one’s inmost being.
In addition to this challenge, we cannot assume that a
"hug" will comfort the erotophobic soul. For the very tool we would
use, may be interpreted as a weapon. Pat answers and superficial exercises are
insufficient to heal a person of such ills.
COMMON CAUSES OF EROTOPHOBIA
The first thing that we assume about the history of an
erotophobic soul is that they have been raped or sexually abused as a child.
This is perhaps the most visible source, but I would assert that it is not the
most common. Myriads, even millions of
people who have never been abused or even touched inappropriately suffer some form of crippled intimacy .
There are whole cultures filled to the brim with boys and
girls who struggle with intimacy because of a cultural backdrop of taboo,
religious convictions of chastity, or simply rigid norms of social behavior
that don't allow people to develop healthy patterns of intimacy.
Insisting, or even insinuating that the shy soul must have
been sexually abused in the past is a serious thing. If it is false, it may be
interpreted as belittling of the real reason for the suffering. Even if it turns out to be true, the
"accusation" may be taken very personally, as if you are saying that
the suffering soul did something very bad in their past.
Great care, then, must be taken to broach the subject of
"cause" with patience and sensitivity. Here is a list of the most
common sources of the pain:
- Sexual Abuse
- Societal Taboo
- Religious Conviction
- Personal Convictions
- Associative fear due to other forms of abuse
- Associative fear due to a friend or relative who was abused
- Low self-esteem (due to insulting, deformity or character)
- Extreme introversion in character
- A painful previous failure in social life
The asperity of a particular cause or the compound impact of
several causes will determine the severity of the erotophobia. So, a person who
was physically raped may actually have less severe symptoms than one simply had
a previous failure. We should never "belittle" the cause by comparing
it to something more severe. Saying,
"Just get over it.. think about people who were sexually abused" will
NOT be helpful.
Although some counselors might find value in digging up the
dirty past, the real goal of understanding the cause should be to better
identify the cure. A counselor or “guide” as we say, should be willing to
listen to the whole story with fervent passionate listening, but not “picking”
into details that are too painful to repeat.
This initial phase of discovery should be filled with
statements of comisseration and pity. Nobody likes a “pity party” but the first
step to healing is to be understood. And the first step to curing is to
understand.
CLINICAL VS. NON-CLINICAL EROTOPHOBIA
I know of one case in Korea where a wife was completely
unable to accept any kind of intimacy from her husband without blowing up with
angry emotions and hatred. After years of conflict, she finally agreed that
seeing a psychologist would be helpful. But the cultural taboos that prohibit
talking openly about sex, made the effort worthless. After two hours of "table
talk" the psychologist got up to leave, and as she was walking out the
door she handed a book to the woman, saying "you might want to read
this". Good book - but one that the couple had already read together with
no avail.
In an ideal world ALL forms of erotophobia would be
"clinical". That said, there are particularly alarming situations
where the "guide" is strongly encouraged to advise the "shy
soul" to seek professional psychological help. I would recommend this in
the following circumstances.
- Suicidal thoughts, dreams or language.
- Deliberate Self-Harm (DHS) such as cutting, burning, poisoning...
- Sudden angry outbursts that insult or harm others
- Physical symptoms of stress such as rashes, eating disorders or hair loss
- "Turning off" (becoming deaf or non-responsive in certain social situations)
- Alcoholism, chain smoking, or any drug related "escapes".
- Sudden panic attacks or "emotional breakdown"
- Excessively odd speech or abnormal changes in topic.
- Physical reactions, like jerking back suddenly when a hand approaches the genitals.
- Sudden outbursts of laughter or crying in illogical situations (not 'crygasm')
- Signs of psychosomatic illness
Of course anybody with such symptoms needs help, but here we
refer specifically to aberrant behavior that stems from an attempt to
experience intimacy. So, for example, the last point would be physical illness
that consistently follows an attempt to have sex or intimacy.
SPECIFIC EROTOPHOBIC DISORDERS
In this section we well briefly list the most prevalent
disorders that fall under this category, and they will be dealt with separately
in individual articles. Our purpose here
is to help the “guide” to recognize and distinguish the phobias, so that we can
better treat them.
HAPTOPHOBIA is the fear of touch. In this context it refers specifically
to a fear of touching genitals with the hand. It should be noted that many
people who suffer from haptophobia may allow touching with the leg or another
body part, but still experience anxiety if the genitals are touched with the
hand. The specific forms vary.
Exogenic haptophobia is when
somebody panics when somebody tries to touch their genitals.
Endogenic haptophobia is the fear
of touching one’s own genitals (ME!)
Conducive haptophobia is being
afraid to touch the genitals of another person
GYMNOPHOBIA is a fear of being naked. I have spoken with
girls who suffer from this to the extent that they wear more layers of clothing
when sleeping than when awake. In some cases,
the anxiety is irrespective of the gender of the “onlooker”, but in places like
Korea where public bath houses are still in practice, many girls are completely
comfortable being naked with other girls, and yet experience extreme anxiety at
the thought of any male seeing them unclothed – even their own husband. It
should also be noted that both men and women may suffer from gymnophobia.
GENOPHOBIA is the fear of penetration, or actual copulation.
Again, the specific varieties vary. A girl may have general genophobia and not
want anything to go into her vagina – not even a tampon. A boy may be
genophobic and afraid to insert his penis into his partner. There are also more specific ailments such as
haptic genophobia, where copulation is allowed but no finger can be inserted. The same goes for erotic aids such “dildoes”
or “bob” (battery operated boyfriend).
NOSOPHOBIA is the fear of contracting a disease through
sexual contact. Although this is not something I have experienced, there are
many whose intimate lives are crippled by a completely unjustified fear of
disease, even in intimate times with a long term faithful spouse. There are very specific exercises and
therapies that can help people who suffer from this.
GENDER DYSPHORIA is of course a very wide term, but in
context of Erotophobia we mean a confusion about sexual orientation due to a
fear of intimacy with the opposite sex. Now… I must apologize to my dear friends
who are inherently gay or lesbian! I don’t mean at all to convey that
homoeroticism is evil, but rather to identify an unhealthy fear of
intimacy with the opposite sex. I so much yearn to bear children and am looking
forward with great joy to my marriage, but I am practically lesbian due to a
paralyzing fear of boys in general. This is what I mean by applying the
term Gender Dysphoria as a erotophobic disorder.
Certainly there are other more specific issues that one may
encounter. The human soul is a mysterious and sensitive entity. There are people out there who fear feet or
who cannot look into the eye of the person they lay with or who are
specifically self-conscious about their breasts or anus or another body part. I
have not come up with a term for it, but I am terrified of making a “mess” in
orgasm. So what’s that? Juice-o-phobia? We are all messed up and trying to
identify our issues.
Once you have
identified the specific nature of the erotophibic disorder, you are well on
your way to healing. As with many types of social issues, talking openly about
the problem is one of the greatest solutions.
But there is much more
to be learned about each type, so I encourage you to read the specific articles
that are forthcoming.
Dear friends! These
are certainly difficult issues, but let me end with an amazing and wonderful “high
note”!
If you are a “guide”
or mentor for the “shy soul” then you should know that AMAZINGLY EROTIC
experiences can be had both during and as a result of this process of healing
your partner. There are elements of sapiosexuality at play here. When we remove the “penetration” and “touching
of hands” and “nudity”, we are left with something WONDERFUL! The things I speak
of are not to be found in the “fucking”. They are the subtle things of
sexuality. So, be patient! Be of good cheer! And don’t look upon this task as
one in which you must “descend” from a higher plateau of intimacy to a lower
one.
If you are the “shy
soul”. Firstly, I want you to know that I weep profusely for you and feel the
knife of your pain with all of its bitter force. I have been there (and can honestly say that I am a novice on the path to healing). But I PROMISE
YOU!!!!! I SWEAR TO YOU!!! YOU CAN HAVE DEEP AND FANTASIC INTIMATE EXPERIENCES!
I Know that to be true. Yes, they are
clouded by many failures in between. Yes, the road is long. But do not let the
prohibitions crush the inhibitions. In fact, let me go so far as to say this: you
hold in your heart the keys to the lost treasure of true intimacy that this
generation seems to no longer enjoy.
They are have become utterly de-sensitized by the overt activity of
their fucking genitals (pun intended), their grabby hands and their nudity
which is broadcasted on the internet in thousands of pornography web sites. You
can achieve RIGHT NOW – in spite of your genophobia, gumnophobia and
haptophobia – an intimacy that does not have to be fed by fingering, nudity or
penetration. YOU ARE WONDERFUL!!!
Yes… seek the healing
that you so yearn for. But know that you are a wonderful person and that yours
is the key to true sapiosexual, mind blowing, gut shaking, intimacy that is bathed
in as many of tears of joy as you have shed from the pain. Yes… buckets full!
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